This week, I thought I'd keep it simple and talk about a big thing that is happening in my life now. I have been preparing for an art high school for my next step in my dream of becoming a screenwriter in the film industry. It's been a few months of intense preparation, and hours spent sacrificing my health in order to get things done. No, I do not suggest or recommend doing what I have done in the last half of 2020, and the beginning of this year. But would I have worked myself as hard if I had the chance once more?
Because dreams are dreams, and when you get the chance to get five hours of sleep instead of seven, edit and write over offered rest, eat only when time opens—it's all for what you want to accomplish. For me at least, that was the main thing throughout the period of work to get into my dream school. And it's almost coming to an end.
Confidence is one thing I struggle with, and no matter how much I do, I will never stop that voice that tells me that I'm not going to achieve anything no matter how much I try. It's been there all my life. I know that I will be broken and unable to face myself if things don't turn out the way I hoped for, and torturing myself every day with thoughts like, "You don't deserve this."
As of now, I cannot be inspirational and tell you that all you have to do is find ways to be confident because I'm struggling with that myself every second of the day.
What I will tell you is that the only person who is going to make you feel as though you really are worth it is you.
I'm not scared to admit the fact that I've had days where I had this urge for compliments—people telling me that I can do what I dream to do. The feeling of invincibility lasted for a short time, and it just disappeared.
Just like that.
I realized that the more I was greedy for praise, I grew less confident—less sure of myself because what people told me weren't always true, and I needed reassurance. The only person who was going to reassure me was myself.
This Saturday is my audition for Ruth Asawa School of the Arts, and I've dreamt about attending this school for a very, very long time. No matter what happens, I've learned an important lesson throughout this period of work, work, and more work. It's that no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you want what you're aiming for, the only way you're going to get there is by believing in yourself, and not leaning on what others tell you.
I'll see you next week,