Eat Pray My Life is Collapsing

*disclaimer: this post is heavy and personal and may include subjects that are triggering to some, such as depression, mental disorders, etc.*

It's the evening before my birthday this year, I am sitting in my bed looking straight up at the ceiling, smiling and full of glee. I hadn't realized how happy I was until then. Everything was perfect—I could list more than ten things that were exactly how I wanted them to be in my life.

Now it is mid-November, and I cannot think of a single thing that makes me smile.

I have a roof over my head, food on the table, and a good education. Why is it so difficult to just be happy?

I'm currently in the middle of a memoir by Elizabeth Gilbert called Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia. A month ago, I would pity this poor woman at the start of the book as she explained her undying love for a man and how her life circles around his affection. Finally, she decides to go on a trip to three spots on the globe to find happiness in other things after depression and loneliness crush her insides.

It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago did I realize that I relate to this woman more than I thought I did (no, I am not battling a divorce or sitting on the bathroom floor sobbing because of my fear of having a baby.) I did, however, find "joy" in something I shouldn't have, and after that has disappeared in my life, I am now shattered.

It took me a while to come to terms with my unhappiness, but it has nudged me here and there over the last months of school. This is not the life you want. All your relationships are crumbling. These two thoughts have been haunting me.

A friend of mine walks into English class panting from missing the bus. We speak for a bit, and they share their experience with therapy. They had been battling the urge to commit suicide for the past year, and explain how their mindsets have shifted after letting out their emotions to someone who listens.

I give them a pat on the shoulder and congratulate them for the improvement. On the other hand, all I can think about is the absence of that person they have in my own life.

I realize that I am burdening a person that isn't the one who is supposed to listen. I finally opened up to my parents and discovered many things about myself.

Still, I am unhappy.

My physical health is deteriorating; I haven't done anything that brings me joy for what seems like forever (except for confiding in someone I thought made me happy. I am improving and leaving that in the past.)

I still have yet to find something that will distract the little depression fairies who constantly greet me. I am yet to find someone I can talk to, but I have concluded that that is greatly needed. If you feel the same, don't deny it. I have spent too long in that state, and it isn't helpful. There is absolutely no benefit in sticking through a situation alone, even when you feel you are burdening others with your problems.

I still struggle with that, but at least I'll pick up some sort of activity over this week's break.

Maybe I will start talking to the birds when I roller skate.

(Birds terrify me.)

-Chloe