Updated: Jan 29, 2022
*disclaimer: this post may be triggering to some readers who are victims of mental disorders. please read with care.*
Anxiety has been holding on to me with a tighter grip than ever before. I feel so weak, so unable to take on any day.
Let's list the good things that happened first. Didn't go to school today. I don't think I consider that good. I had an anxiety attack last night. I couldn't stop crying; my emotions were so unbearable. I felt a mix of deep regret and remorse over what I had done. Now, I went to bed in a state of complete misery, tossing and turning with my crashing waves of utter despair when a thought came to my mind. One I couldn't get out of my head, a thought so bewildering and disconcerting that I felt like I had just discovered a breach to my constant sorrow.
I can't let this thought dominate me. It was like I grabbed my bags and left the hellhole up in my bed of those thoughts. I climbed down my bed stairs and, trembling, collapsed into my mother's arms, crying my heart out.
This was the first time I had ever done such a thing.
"I'm losing everything, mom."
I tell her that I don't know why I am sad. From the time I completely broke during Thanksgiving break to now, I thought I was okay. I dismissed the idea of a therapist, but now I think I need it more than anything.
It feels weird to write about this. I feel like my depression is guiding my pen, and now it's just complaints. I never wanted to be this way. I don't know what to do.
Life can be a real pain sometimes. You feel lost and incapable of achieving a single second of happiness after giving in to hopelessness. This is what I'm struggling with, and I thought sharing this with you might serve as comfort for you if you're ever going through something similar. Many also are not aware of the effects of anxiety, and I feel that with the growing numbers of people who suffer from it, it's important to know how it affects one's state of mind. I'm still on my journey of improvement, but I hope to tell you all about what happens next.